Close Road Ahead?!

I was arguing with myself silently if I should post what I  feel right now. Guess I have no choice because these is my only place of comfort and peace. I don't want to worry my husband over my new challenge and I don't want to make him feel depress and sad too. Last May or June my good friend Yhaz told me that she was pregnant, I was both happy and sad. See, Yhaz and Cathy are my two good friends who were really my big spiritual and emotional supporter regarding my desire to have my own child. Yhaz was with us when we tried to complete the 9 days Novena for St. Jude Thaddeus though she really didn't expect that she would be bless with a child we are all ecstatic with joy. Then I must admit to myself that somehow I was disappointed and hurt of course my notion is I was the one asking for a miracle but I failed. It didn't make me bitter or mad just as any other people would be I was a bit envious, a pity one. Nonetheless the love and joy the child brings us filled the emptiness inside. 

Now, again I must face another challenge that will test my understanding, patience and courage. Another friend is pregnant with her first child after only months of marriage. Gladness and wishful thoughts for her and her family is what I felt and think. But then again Yes I admit I'am envious again. For the nth time I have to face another heart ache, learn to comprehend my own situatation, widen my patience and strengthen my courage to withstand negative thoughts and questions over my head.  Sometimes I wish I won't know if the people I knew are pregnant not because I don't want to share their happiness its just that maybe it would spare me the pain and questions why am I not? I wanted to cry now but I am at work seems like tomorrow before I sleep that's if  I could sleep, I know I will cry my heart out. I Will be trying to obliterate questioning HIS will and ways and just focus on praying and hoping . But for now can I just pour my heart out?! Can somebody tell me whatelse should I do?! Feels like I am losing every inch of hope in me. Is the road ahead close for me?!

Insomnia

Its been three days that I lack sleep and would end up only sleeping for 2-3 hours before my shift. Currently I am working on a graveyard shift and would last for a month ( 3 shifts in a day/ change of schedule every month). I could somehow here Rihanna's insomnia song playing while writing this lol. I feel also guilty for not eating healthy foods lately I would rather want to sleep than eat. Seems like I can survive the whole day without dinner and with less food I've eaten at breakfast and lunch. My appetite seems to hit the skid lately but will try to eat vegetable these following days.  My period is delayed for 5 days already but I am not hopeful 'cause often times when I work on a night shift either my period would be delayed or would precisely skip for that month. Feel some twinge, pangs or tolerable pain on my left ovary so I would might be expecting my period by the end of the week or next week. Nothings new I eluded myself in hoping for something positive to avoid another painful month of waiting. They say it would be better it we try to refrain from anticipating to avoid getting hurt. Often times my friends tell us that we expect less surprises might surge and so we are trying. So, everyday I aim to live life one step at time appreciating every blessings I have and pray harder for guidance and strength. 

A Christmas Wish

Christmas seems to be just outside the corner fast approaching. It's been quite a while since I made a Christmas Wish List for I only have been praying for one special wish-a child of my own. It's hard to be in a society that often criticizes, judge and gossips about other peoples misfortune or anguish. Few others seems to understand what were going through but rarely can we find a person close to us who are going through the same situation. Everyday I pray for enlightenment, wisdom and courage to withstand and understand this challenge I am going through. Aiming to be strong, optimistic and mirthful has been a great foundation of  valor. Often times as I lay down on my bed thoughts of pregnancy, building a happy family and the smile of a child plays like a movie in my mind. And most of the time when I do so I resist or divert my mind on other things. See, its hard to wait, hope and look forward to when you even doubt your own self. I am only human I never can pretend that I am always strong most of time I am just hiding in my mask of pretension. Nonetheless, I keep my faith intact and indomitable for I know that OUR FATHER in heaven and all the angels and saints are my only hope. So, this  year I will still keep on hoping, praying and try not to worry for God will answer my prayer. 

Celebration of Love

Our Anniversary! November 14, 2010

I love thee to the depth, the breadth and height my soul can reach..
I love thee for the pulse of valor you encapsulate within me..
I love thee immeasurably and infinitely beyond words can unfold..
I love thee for loving me like a perfect fairy tale story the world can ever be told..

    We celebrated our 2nd year anniversary in a simple but blissful way. Like any other couple we were so excited to celebrate our anniversary that it made me wake up at  4AM in the morning with only 3 hours of sleep. The supposed plan was to go to subic for 2-3 days enjoying ocean park and zoobic but unfortunately due to his schedule for the inter hospital basketball league and insufficient time/budget  we opt to just celebrate it with what we can afford. At 7 in the morning we are already at Padre Pio Church Libis to start our day with a mass but was told that it would start at 10 am. Both of us had time to pray soulfully and more time to see the full beauty of the church. There were many testimonials of miracles on the wall and it give me a new sense of hope that one day what we are praying will be granted and I too can post my testimonial in that wall. See, it's been 2 years now that we are married but still isn't bless with a child of our own. As much as we could we always try to think optimistically. But of course often times we would ask ourselves why and when?! Nonetheless, we know in our hearts that with patience and faith it will be granted. The mass ended at 11 am and we were there for almost 4 hours but it is all worth it. After which, we went to Eastwood City to eat our lunch and to enjoy the beauty of the place. Funny but both of us are beginning to be sleepy while we were roaming around the malls. There were  few people at Eastwood most of them are busy watching the pay preview of Pacquiao and Margarito fight inside the resto's and cinemas. Then we decided to go to Trinoma to hang around and look for a nice nike slipper that he wanted. By the way we had insufficient time and money to push through our plans to subic so I decided to buy him an installment ipad4 which I know will make him ecstatic. My husband loves music and video games; I pity his cellphone for he seems to play the music anywhere and whatever he maybe doing that it seems to deteriorate everyday. The joy in his eyes and lips can't be hidden when I gave it to him or should I say told him that I am going to buy that for him at that very moment. Though I said that we have insufficient budget the i pad 4 I bought was for 12 months installment so it has given me some time to save money. ;) He was supposed to buy me a watch but the one I wanted was already been brought so I told him I'd just wait for the new arrivals maybe next month so inclined with the Christmas bonus. ;) Our celebration wasn't extravagant or out of the ordinary but celebrating love doesn't need to be expensive and glamorous all it needs is a strong foundation of trust, respect and understanding. Looking forward to many years of celebration till our life is through and even through forever. 

My Quintessence, My Life, My Love!

With you I have found the quintessence of love and life,
In your arms I found my comfort and peace.
You alone is my reason to live,
and my life to you I will give.


All the love the world could ever know,
Is embodied within your soul.
How could I ever thank thee,
For loving me so unconditionally!


If I could have a wish that never fades,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
and the warmth of your embrace.


The cobweb of love we have,
Strengthen by the test and challenges.
Could never be annihilate,
For it is clothe with our faith in God's grace.


Thank you for teaching me the quintessence of love and life,
I have found in you the truth in every lies.
I LOVE YOU more as the day goes by.
For you are the air that keeps me alive.

I firmly suggest you to visit Padre Pio's Church in Libis or visist their site http://www.saintpiocenter.com/
My friend Cathy , Yhaz and I love to go churchventure to strengthen our faith and devotion. Next time I'll try to get a better pictures of the churches we went through and blog it.

Nitpicker/Fault Finders!

Dictionary Reference :

fault·find·er

–noun

a person who habitually finds fault, complains, or objects, esp. in a petty way.

Some people consummate their personal happiness by harshly treating other individual by means of power tripping or unjust criticism. Others would judge and think ill just because they weren't accordingly given what they wanted. I asked my self why is it so but then I went blank. They say experience is really the best teacher and indeed so I must say.  Nonetheless, the world  has taught me another lesson through a hard situation. This time around such circumstances has battered and bruised my whole being; something that will test my patience, understanding and judgment. The cut it made has bleed anguish and hostility with in my soul. For they have hurt someone close to my heart  it flares up my anger, negative thoughts rises and impulsiveness might lead me to be contemptuous. Batter, insult, belittle and judge me I'll try hard to be patience and be silent but please I beg of you not to include someone that matters like life to me. As much as I want to comprehend and let it go somehow they seem to haunt me in every possible way they can.Cried my heart out, opened my blog to let it out and hope for the best. I keep telling myself that seasons change, tomorrow might bring a brighter one and pray that those people will understand the position were we stand. I am not saying at all that I am perfect and all nice that would be hypocrisy; but each time a situation occur I aim to put myself on the other person's shoes before I act or judge. You don't know what that person is going through or how huge his responsibility are but then you abruptly judge his personality.


This blog is my solace indeed for here I can elucidate my emotions and intellect. I am not someone who personally confronts cause I always do my best to be patient, understanding and calm. In silent I can win this battle over right judgment  How fortunate I am to be brought up in the province were people aim to be fair and kind to one another. A place were my personality was molded to aim to be kind and nice. To comprehend each circumstances in every angle, to selflessly humble oneself  for every ones sake. However, this is the real world were different people has different perspective thus we need to hold steadfastly to our courage to withstand it all. I write because this is my way of letting out what's inside my whole being. An outlet of emotions and thoughts, my confidant and  listener. It would be nice if we all wouldn't be a nitpicker or fault finder instead we should be a praiser. Each time I get to divulge my individuality here it seems that my pain lessens, positivity rises and what I write here stays here. All these I elude myself to carry on in the real world I mean all the negativity most especially the hatred. Now, I can say that I have calm myself, aim to conceptualize good vibes. So, in case your reading this please don't judge me I only wanted to share this for others to think this over and learn something useful for personal growth. Most of all I just wanted to be me. Thank you!

What we gain in pain! ;)

   Pain is inevitable a part of life that could never be eluded nor omitted. Funny it may seems that often times pain supersede even happiness and love. People tend to be blinded or bedazzled by its negative denouements. Staggered by how powerful this four letter word turning an optimist become a pessimist. Yet, no one could ever make a stand and pretend to declare that they are either an optimist or pessimist because the truth on that matter is we are all both. Every now and then regardless of how hard we try to comprehend the reasons and lessons of pain; the mind and heart seems to repudiate. I would love to talk about all the best positive and blissful things but my heart is leading into something I always try to avoid. But I believed that to be able to let go and accept the circumstances that happened we need to acknowledged our pain, cry with it, learn from it and move forward. 

   

   Looking back it seems like there was no open door, closed and imprisoned by pain and anguish. Losing a father at two months without even leaving a single second of memory to remember is like grasping in the dark with a heavy load of questions. It doesn't end there losing two precious people who brought you up and gave everything they could was a devastation. In addition, to venture in the world and fathom the circumstances that had happened alone is both an achievement and misfortune. Feels great to understand reasons and comprehend those uncertainties making them as your foundation of strength that's an achievement. Sad misfortune to those who gave up and had lose hope for they wouldn't be able to experience the essence of its triumph.

   Indeed in  the world of confusions, conflicts, pain and uncertainties comes great power of valor that rekindles a broken heart to mend. At times when I stumble or fall their memories would be my ladder of courage and hope. It always reminds me that they have given everything for me to have a good life and even if they were gone its no reason for me to be stuck in doom. Yes, I make mistakes, fail, hurt people and gave up.

Then again I rise, ask for forgiveness and try again. No one said that we always need to be on top, to never entertain the taught of failure but I say fail, fall for you will rise better than before. ;)

Anguish

I miss you both so badly and dreadfully. If I could turn back time I would because up to now I can't move on  and accept that you are gone. Grandpa, I miss the sound of your voice, sleeping beside you for 16 years, sharing our interest and beliefs. I miss hearing our unique mores code, our cats and dogs but most of all I miss your LOVE badly. No one has ever love me the way both of you did. Most of the time I would try to steer clear of or obliterate you in my mind because every time that I remember you I can't bear the pain I felt inside. Grandma, thank you for the patience, love and understanding.   For always being there for grandpa and I even if we were a burden for you.

This is the first time again that I have seen your pictures for 10 years and it brings back the happiness and pain. I am so fortunate that I grew up with you, you have sacrifice a lot for me and have shown me unconditional love. With you I have always felt that I belong to a family and for such a long time  after you were gone I felt so abandoned and forgotten. But I have never failed to pray for you every day of my life because I wouldn't be able to reach what I have right now if it weren't for your sacrifices and love. No one did understand what I went through, not one had lend a hand for me to hold on to. Most of all, people around me criticized and judge me for things I didn't do.  I kept my pain in silence knowing that would make you proud of me being mature and smarter. I know that ONLY both of you understands me and had love me incomparably. You both know how I did my best to comprehend things that seems too hard to understand, had selflessly gave everything just not to be like those people who have hurt me and most of all keep my silent for peace and unity.  I miss the chair you lay in Lolo,  miss hearing bombo radio whole day, I miss the bed and the room I slept in half of my life.  I should have listen more to your stories and eagerly grasp your elaboration of details about our family tree. People who knew both of you I know wouldn’t fail to remember your kindness and the marks you leave in their lives.  The way you teach me the strategy in playing mahjong, buying our favorite foods and drinks, I just miss being LOVED again the way we were before. Tears keep falling in my eyes as  for the longest time that I kept this pain in my life. How could I move on? I always try or maybe pretended that I have but deep into my inner thoughts and feelings I couldn't. Why did you leave me behind?! Why didn't you gave me a chance to show and repay all your sacrifices?! I miss you undeniably and enormously, no man could ever empathize what anguish I have felt and  couldn’t ever take away this pain in my life.

Farewell My Friend!

It is better to lose someone over distance and time than losing them with death for a lifetime. The hardest and most painful tragedy a person can face is losing a love one by death. Indeed, our life is just borrowed but wouldn't it be nice to live that life growing old and when you can say I have enjoyed living my life.? When you have died not by the hands of irresponsible and shameful individual? I have only met Monching way back my college life I think he was then just a teenage boy who enjoys his life. Often times I would hear his sweet laughter and silly jokes; those innocent act with so much pride. Looking back at those times I suddenly felt crying. We shared little time together yet I have felt this excruciating pain when I heard he died. Maybe because he has made a  great impact and leaved a remarkable mark in my life.

The compunction of losing a love one is immeasurable. Though time can somehow mend those broken hearts their memories lingers forever within you. I know 'cause losing two most important people in my life still brought infinite grieve to me. How can we measure their true essence of living? Guess, it is when even by death those that remain living will forever remember all the good and kind things they have done. That amidst time their memories lives in every breath we take and the beating of our hearts. I can only offer sincere prayer to my departed friend. A prayer that will lead him to his peaceful solemn solace and justice may be served. Farewell dear friend your memory will always remain.

Ma and Tito

My Family

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Nanay, Momsy, Mudra- this is just few of the familiar words on how we call the woman who took the risk of her life to brought us up in this world. A woman who carried us 9 months on her womb, took a great risk of their life to deliver us in this world, wake up in the wee hours of the night to check and make sure we are well. There are a lot of words to define motherhood in every sense and words couldn’t fully unravel how unconditional their love for us. We may be stubborn, hard headed and sometimes we may have miss apprehensions on how they brought us up. Yet, they would never abandon us and will do unsurpassed things for our own sake. Their Love is remarkably unconditional in every sense of the word and in every uncertainties in this world they would be the only one who will always accept us, regardless and despite of. I saw her crying her heart out, on how twice she was left alone by the man she love. At the age of 27 she first became a widow-2 months after she gave birth to their only child and now again same date as her first husband she lost a man that she spent most of her life with, whom she build her family and who became my own father. My heart is broken and confounded seeing her cry, worrying over her being alone when I am far away from her. I don’t want to leave her, I want to always be with her, take care of her, assure her that she is not alone. Surely, people are right when they say you will realized how important a person is when they are gone. The father I knew growing up is gone, a man who would wake up early in the morning to cook us our food, who cooks my favorite Ilonggo dish adobong manok, the one who other people who would always run to when they needed someone who will lend them an open and understanding heart. When I went home, I felt that things are really incomplete and I was waiting for that someone to make our home complete. I walk down to the kitchen, dumbfounded, impaired and devastated realizing that he wasn’t there anymore.

I miss you and I may not have shown you more than what I should on how imperative you have been in my life but I do. You made me feel that I am your own daughter, your flesh and blood. The love and understanding you have shown me, my siblings and Ma is incomparable. My heart bleeds and tears in my eyes flows endlessly. Losing you and seeing Ma with this unbearable pain wants me to stay home and take care of her and my siblings. I worry about her so much, leaving her alone with the responsibility of being the mother and father at the same time . On how I know that she is agitated most of the time. Now, I wake up and sleep thinking how she is and profoundly deem how could I take all the pain she feels. Make her feel calm, assured and that euphoria will overwhelmed her life again. How I yearn to be in two places at the same time. I may not told you how much I Love you but MA I intensely Do and I don’t want to see you like this, being hurt and alone. If I could only take the pain you feel. I want to pledge my undying devotion and love and that I will never leave you. Please be strong for me and my sisters, we will always be here and we will take care of you. Tito, please guide us and help Ma cope up losing you. I may not have say this nor show you how much I care and how important you are but I want to tell you that I Love you like my own father. Thank you for always being there for me, showering me with love and understanding, for loving MA, taking care of us and for the adobo. I Love you Tito, I love you PA and I wish I had called you Pa. I cry my heart out tonight losing you. And I know you see and read this, I hope somehow I made you feel this love I have for you. Now, when I go home I know it is no longer complete and each time I see home I would look for you and I look forward to see the things that will remind me of you. Help us to be strong for the three of us to move on knowing you are always here beside us. Good bye is not forever ‘coz I know you will always be here in our hearts.

A time to say Goodbye and Thank you! Tito Nato!

It’s been awhile since I posted here and most of the time I did is when I’m in my most vulnerable state. I am the kind of person that when I am in my most emotional status the more my mind set to extract its creative juices. Right now I am sad, sick and distorted. My stepfather died last November 1 and ironically it’s the same date my real father died too. My Pa left me when I am only 2months old due to cirrhosis of the liver. I grew up with my grandparents since I think I could remember around 3-5 years old. My mom is just around as well but because I am the first grandchild I was requested by my grandparents to stay with them. I grew up with stories my Ma told me about Pa like when he was sick and was brought to the city hospital he would request a phone to the ICU and call us up way back in our town to just even hear me cry over the phone was enough for him. Most of the town people would always say to me how friendly and kind my Pa is and how I really look like him. There were times when some of my Pa’s friend comes home and they see me for the first time would suddenly cry and call my Pa’s name saying how I really resembles him.

When my Ma remarries I only realized and understood it all when I was already in high school. I think she remarried when I was 7 years old, though I often get to spend time with her I was too young to understand what’s going on and why am I on that situation. Yet, I realized on my own that she has a new family and apart of the new is me. My step father is a simple man since I could recall he was just a silent type and doesn’t interfere with my Ma’s decision maybe because he doesn’t want me to understand it the wrong way. When my grandparents died it was the most throbbing experience I have ever encounter. My grandparents was my life then, they have brought me up to this world the best they can and gave me unconditional love. I don’t want to elaborate more about them because I am trying not to think because I couldn’t help to cry and feel the pain again. As much as possible I don’t want to talk about it not because I want to forget them totally but because I can’t help it but to cry whenever I could reminisce the times I was with them.

Anyways, when my grandparents died when I was 20 years old, I lived with my Ma and my stepfather whom I call Tito. There I felt how welcome I am in that home and how he considered me like her own. She would point out to others whenever they banter that I was his eldest child. In times when Ma is out of line when they argue I would defend him and he would sometimes tell me that Ma is arguing with him with nonsense and I would be there between them to explain My tito’s side. Now, he is gone and what I would really miss about him is the way he cook adobong manok, when we have small yet meaningful conversations and in the simplest things he does that makes me feel loved. He was so patient, understanding and humble especially when Ma got nothing to do but be a nagger. Yes, I do really believe that we usually realized the value of one person when they are already gone and how I wish that I could have been more open and vocal about how grateful I am for his love, patients and understanding to us especially Ma. It’s time to say goodbye Tito, thank you for the acceptance, love and care you have given me. I would really miss you. Please guide us.

Happy Birthday Mama Mary!

Dear Queen Mother of Heaven and Earth, we thank you for all the understanding and kindness you have undeniably given us. Despite all the pains and sadness we may have caused your good heart, you never still depart from us. When we are down and in trial you have given us courage and strength to stand up and face it all. You have never abandoned us in all the endeavors that we face in this life and though sometimes we may have forgotten you; YOU have never forgotten US.

Mother, you love us all equally and unconditionally though we may have hurt you and your son. We have questioned YOU and your Beloved Son on the circumstances that we have faced and didn't understood, yet you have always been there to defend us. I could never forget a story about your teachings on praying the rosary; that each beads we prayed for, is equivalent to saving another soul. Oh Dear Mother I may have not really understood everything you have teach but I believe that in each prayer you humbly ask your beloved son to forgive a soul and help them enter the heavenly kingdom. You have taught us to pray with all our hearts and even if your in heaven you find ways to reach out to us, never leaving our side. Nothing is impossible with You and your beloved son; in every heartfelt prayer is a grace of answer.

With all the riches and happiness this world could gave us, it will never be greater than the LOVE you have amazingly showered us. On your Birthday Dear Mother I humbly ask for your forgiveness in all the tears that I have caused your eyes and the pain I have left in your heart. Heavenly Mother, each day I will try to be a good daughter to you; to follow your teachings and prayers, to help people forget hatred and learn to love, and to spread the good words in this world. Happy Birthday MAMA MARY. Please enlighten and Guide us all always.

In Jesus Name.

Amen..

To My Dearest Mikay!

For a friend who celebrates her glorious day a Happy Birthday to you It seems like it was just all like yesterday; when we were naive and innocence embodied us. I can still smel thel lomi at the irish and all were sharing our centavos left in our pocket. People are hearing all the loud and cheerful laughter's coming from the second floor of that mini grocery/resto. After the 5 pm mind bugging mathematics class of Ma'am Lavilla we can't hardly wait to go home. I miss walking from school to our houses enjoying more time to talk and laugh on the way home. Fiestas came and seems like we were all present even in the brgy. fiesta's hahaha. Majong and rading oyo and edi's house are one hobbies that can never taken from us it's like it sticks to our souls hahaha. Dancing oh I love dancing of course I know that you are one heck a damn gracious and glamorous dancer but pupay, me, vip, and even edi made us champions on our senior year right? hehe. Edi?!!!of course why not..hehe

The famous Guimaras was a witness to our biggest and happiest bonding's especially when all were drunk. Those were the times when you stumble and fell on the stairs of the rest house but you pick up yourself still with a groaning with ouch but with a smile hahaha. One event of the town fiesta was the same day of your birthday and you have a dance number to perform and all of us were shouting with awe and amazement supporting the best dancer for us. And I could still remember as well when UHMMM courted you and you went to the church to attend the simbang gabi or I think the afternoon mass?hahaha and don't deny it you had a crush on him. Uhmm not to mention the "tokayo" of that guy was also I think courting you hahaha and was also my cousin hahaha. Those were the days that palph, narlito, iko and panoy has a big crush on you hahaha (haba ng hair mo).

Lola pat's boarding house was lucky???hahaha to have such very obedient and nice boarders like us wahhh asus daw piho and those times when you had decided to have a drink alone at the roof top hahaha. When you keep on going back in forth to joanne and mines room waking us up with a loud bang and pulling our mosquito net till it break and enjoy waking us up even if we still wanted to sleep(pakialamera hehe). Haaaayyyy this are only the few of the millions of things that I could share having you in my life but time and space here are not enough to do so. This are the most happiest day of our life too. SO, in this special day of yours, despite time and distance I want you to know that you are always being remember and I am grateful that I have given a great gift of time to share those good and loving memories we have. I wish you all the best in all the endeavors you take and I know that you will never forget us; as we could never forget OUR MIKAY! happy birthday Girl..I miss and love you with all my heart. God Bless.