Ma and Tito

My Family

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Nanay, Momsy, Mudra- this is just few of the familiar words on how we call the woman who took the risk of her life to brought us up in this world. A woman who carried us 9 months on her womb, took a great risk of their life to deliver us in this world, wake up in the wee hours of the night to check and make sure we are well. There are a lot of words to define motherhood in every sense and words couldn’t fully unravel how unconditional their love for us. We may be stubborn, hard headed and sometimes we may have miss apprehensions on how they brought us up. Yet, they would never abandon us and will do unsurpassed things for our own sake. Their Love is remarkably unconditional in every sense of the word and in every uncertainties in this world they would be the only one who will always accept us, regardless and despite of. I saw her crying her heart out, on how twice she was left alone by the man she love. At the age of 27 she first became a widow-2 months after she gave birth to their only child and now again same date as her first husband she lost a man that she spent most of her life with, whom she build her family and who became my own father. My heart is broken and confounded seeing her cry, worrying over her being alone when I am far away from her. I don’t want to leave her, I want to always be with her, take care of her, assure her that she is not alone. Surely, people are right when they say you will realized how important a person is when they are gone. The father I knew growing up is gone, a man who would wake up early in the morning to cook us our food, who cooks my favorite Ilonggo dish adobong manok, the one who other people who would always run to when they needed someone who will lend them an open and understanding heart. When I went home, I felt that things are really incomplete and I was waiting for that someone to make our home complete. I walk down to the kitchen, dumbfounded, impaired and devastated realizing that he wasn’t there anymore.

I miss you and I may not have shown you more than what I should on how imperative you have been in my life but I do. You made me feel that I am your own daughter, your flesh and blood. The love and understanding you have shown me, my siblings and Ma is incomparable. My heart bleeds and tears in my eyes flows endlessly. Losing you and seeing Ma with this unbearable pain wants me to stay home and take care of her and my siblings. I worry about her so much, leaving her alone with the responsibility of being the mother and father at the same time . On how I know that she is agitated most of the time. Now, I wake up and sleep thinking how she is and profoundly deem how could I take all the pain she feels. Make her feel calm, assured and that euphoria will overwhelmed her life again. How I yearn to be in two places at the same time. I may not told you how much I Love you but MA I intensely Do and I don’t want to see you like this, being hurt and alone. If I could only take the pain you feel. I want to pledge my undying devotion and love and that I will never leave you. Please be strong for me and my sisters, we will always be here and we will take care of you. Tito, please guide us and help Ma cope up losing you. I may not have say this nor show you how much I care and how important you are but I want to tell you that I Love you like my own father. Thank you for always being there for me, showering me with love and understanding, for loving MA, taking care of us and for the adobo. I Love you Tito, I love you PA and I wish I had called you Pa. I cry my heart out tonight losing you. And I know you see and read this, I hope somehow I made you feel this love I have for you. Now, when I go home I know it is no longer complete and each time I see home I would look for you and I look forward to see the things that will remind me of you. Help us to be strong for the three of us to move on knowing you are always here beside us. Good bye is not forever ‘coz I know you will always be here in our hearts.

Books and Emotions

My mind is set to nowhere, as if I am trying to grasp all the things that had happened. I was hurt so bad that it makes me lose respect in myself and bend down my self esteem. Of all the people why does it has to be you? I feel like I was thrown off over the edge of a cliff, hanging for my life because of the pain you have cause me. I can't help to think less of myself when you chose them over me. When, I have always been so consistent to defy all odds just to be with you. But yes what can I do? I love you more that I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else (the song is right) though I can't help to compare others to us when they are all seems inseparable. Now, I feel less important than them, that I can never be enough for you. I don't want feel this way at all nor even think less of you.

I have forgiven you because despite the fact that this has made me lose my self, in a moment of truth I still know that at the end of the day I will always forgive and Love you more than anything else in this world. Somehow, along the road of our journey we could never avert trials that will test this relationship. Although we surpass another test I am greatly hoping that it would never happen again. We could never deny the fact that in Love we will surely have all the ups and downs. Yet, it is up to the couple to uphold the strength of their love and respect for one another. Now, I realize that the more you are hurt the more you learn how to love. In order order to understand happiness, one must go through uncertainties and pain so that the fruits of their sacrifices has a better reward.

My reward has been a great one. The test has open up my eyes and love for the books again. It has been a while since I have read a really good book. I have long miss Nicholas Spark, James Patterson, Paulo Coehlo, Dan Brown, and those authors I have forgotten in a while. Walking down along the big Trinoma Mall, feeling lose and distorted, my eyes caught a book store, and a sudden urged of I don't know drag me inside. Then, my eyes was lifted from crying into like sparkling diamonds, the books overwhelmed me. Felt like I was in a secret garden, full of beautiful books and wonderful scenery. My spirit was lifted up and I'm so inundate with all the beautiful books and great authors. I wanted them all hahahaha. What I wanted to say is this maybe the best lover's quarrel I have, for this has rekindled my love for books. Books has made my broken heart and teary eyes healed again. Not to mention the dress and shoes hehehe thanks hubby Love You!

Notions

Notions are inevitable but when people learn to yield and value the importance of humility nothing is impossible to comprehend. We cannot deny that once in while we get to be misunderstood or un able to understand one another. Yet, I believe that we will also be the derivation to mend things and apprehend that we bring no harm to anyone. Recently, I have learned that sometimes when things aren’t amicable as they were used to be; time and hope can bring those who have been hurt united again. We ought to learn to respect other peoples silence and a time to grasp things, fill out their emotions, acceptance and understanding. Then, slowly we would be able to compromise, mend broken spaces and heal the pain we all felt. No one should be blame for anything nor anyone is right or wrong. We are merely victims of circumstances or maybe this is just a test of friendship and humility. I am grateful that slowly things are turning out fine, smiles are seen, small convenient conversations are arising, a helping hand is being lend and no more prattling. Whew! Guess the spirit of Christmas is fast approaching hehehe. Kidding aside, I am looking forward again to a passive, amalgamated, jovial time to US again. Peace to everyone.

For Cat, Jaz, Joi

Though we’ve only known each other in a while.
Undoubtedly I look forward each day of our life.
To share our lifetimes voyage and endeavors.
Each step I walk with you is tremendously worthwhile.

The veracity of this relationship is beyond compare.
At times when you were down I was there.
Now that I am lost you are there all along.
To assure that though I am lonely I am never alone.

A friend who empathize my blemish and vigor.
Further than my minds imagination.
A stronghold foundation of my emotions.
Thank you for the love and affection.

A time to say Goodbye and Thank you! Tito Nato!

It’s been awhile since I posted here and most of the time I did is when I’m in my most vulnerable state. I am the kind of person that when I am in my most emotional status the more my mind set to extract its creative juices. Right now I am sad, sick and distorted. My stepfather died last November 1 and ironically it’s the same date my real father died too. My Pa left me when I am only 2months old due to cirrhosis of the liver. I grew up with my grandparents since I think I could remember around 3-5 years old. My mom is just around as well but because I am the first grandchild I was requested by my grandparents to stay with them. I grew up with stories my Ma told me about Pa like when he was sick and was brought to the city hospital he would request a phone to the ICU and call us up way back in our town to just even hear me cry over the phone was enough for him. Most of the town people would always say to me how friendly and kind my Pa is and how I really look like him. There were times when some of my Pa’s friend comes home and they see me for the first time would suddenly cry and call my Pa’s name saying how I really resembles him.

When my Ma remarries I only realized and understood it all when I was already in high school. I think she remarried when I was 7 years old, though I often get to spend time with her I was too young to understand what’s going on and why am I on that situation. Yet, I realized on my own that she has a new family and apart of the new is me. My step father is a simple man since I could recall he was just a silent type and doesn’t interfere with my Ma’s decision maybe because he doesn’t want me to understand it the wrong way. When my grandparents died it was the most throbbing experience I have ever encounter. My grandparents was my life then, they have brought me up to this world the best they can and gave me unconditional love. I don’t want to elaborate more about them because I am trying not to think because I couldn’t help to cry and feel the pain again. As much as possible I don’t want to talk about it not because I want to forget them totally but because I can’t help it but to cry whenever I could reminisce the times I was with them.

Anyways, when my grandparents died when I was 20 years old, I lived with my Ma and my stepfather whom I call Tito. There I felt how welcome I am in that home and how he considered me like her own. She would point out to others whenever they banter that I was his eldest child. In times when Ma is out of line when they argue I would defend him and he would sometimes tell me that Ma is arguing with him with nonsense and I would be there between them to explain My tito’s side. Now, he is gone and what I would really miss about him is the way he cook adobong manok, when we have small yet meaningful conversations and in the simplest things he does that makes me feel loved. He was so patient, understanding and humble especially when Ma got nothing to do but be a nagger. Yes, I do really believe that we usually realized the value of one person when they are already gone and how I wish that I could have been more open and vocal about how grateful I am for his love, patients and understanding to us especially Ma. It’s time to say goodbye Tito, thank you for the acceptance, love and care you have given me. I would really miss you. Please guide us.