What we gain in pain! ;)

   Pain is inevitable a part of life that could never be eluded nor omitted. Funny it may seems that often times pain supersede even happiness and love. People tend to be blinded or bedazzled by its negative denouements. Staggered by how powerful this four letter word turning an optimist become a pessimist. Yet, no one could ever make a stand and pretend to declare that they are either an optimist or pessimist because the truth on that matter is we are all both. Every now and then regardless of how hard we try to comprehend the reasons and lessons of pain; the mind and heart seems to repudiate. I would love to talk about all the best positive and blissful things but my heart is leading into something I always try to avoid. But I believed that to be able to let go and accept the circumstances that happened we need to acknowledged our pain, cry with it, learn from it and move forward. 

   

   Looking back it seems like there was no open door, closed and imprisoned by pain and anguish. Losing a father at two months without even leaving a single second of memory to remember is like grasping in the dark with a heavy load of questions. It doesn't end there losing two precious people who brought you up and gave everything they could was a devastation. In addition, to venture in the world and fathom the circumstances that had happened alone is both an achievement and misfortune. Feels great to understand reasons and comprehend those uncertainties making them as your foundation of strength that's an achievement. Sad misfortune to those who gave up and had lose hope for they wouldn't be able to experience the essence of its triumph.

   Indeed in  the world of confusions, conflicts, pain and uncertainties comes great power of valor that rekindles a broken heart to mend. At times when I stumble or fall their memories would be my ladder of courage and hope. It always reminds me that they have given everything for me to have a good life and even if they were gone its no reason for me to be stuck in doom. Yes, I make mistakes, fail, hurt people and gave up.

Then again I rise, ask for forgiveness and try again. No one said that we always need to be on top, to never entertain the taught of failure but I say fail, fall for you will rise better than before. ;)

Anguish

I miss you both so badly and dreadfully. If I could turn back time I would because up to now I can't move on  and accept that you are gone. Grandpa, I miss the sound of your voice, sleeping beside you for 16 years, sharing our interest and beliefs. I miss hearing our unique mores code, our cats and dogs but most of all I miss your LOVE badly. No one has ever love me the way both of you did. Most of the time I would try to steer clear of or obliterate you in my mind because every time that I remember you I can't bear the pain I felt inside. Grandma, thank you for the patience, love and understanding.   For always being there for grandpa and I even if we were a burden for you.

This is the first time again that I have seen your pictures for 10 years and it brings back the happiness and pain. I am so fortunate that I grew up with you, you have sacrifice a lot for me and have shown me unconditional love. With you I have always felt that I belong to a family and for such a long time  after you were gone I felt so abandoned and forgotten. But I have never failed to pray for you every day of my life because I wouldn't be able to reach what I have right now if it weren't for your sacrifices and love. No one did understand what I went through, not one had lend a hand for me to hold on to. Most of all, people around me criticized and judge me for things I didn't do.  I kept my pain in silence knowing that would make you proud of me being mature and smarter. I know that ONLY both of you understands me and had love me incomparably. You both know how I did my best to comprehend things that seems too hard to understand, had selflessly gave everything just not to be like those people who have hurt me and most of all keep my silent for peace and unity.  I miss the chair you lay in Lolo,  miss hearing bombo radio whole day, I miss the bed and the room I slept in half of my life.  I should have listen more to your stories and eagerly grasp your elaboration of details about our family tree. People who knew both of you I know wouldn’t fail to remember your kindness and the marks you leave in their lives.  The way you teach me the strategy in playing mahjong, buying our favorite foods and drinks, I just miss being LOVED again the way we were before. Tears keep falling in my eyes as  for the longest time that I kept this pain in my life. How could I move on? I always try or maybe pretended that I have but deep into my inner thoughts and feelings I couldn't. Why did you leave me behind?! Why didn't you gave me a chance to show and repay all your sacrifices?! I miss you undeniably and enormously, no man could ever empathize what anguish I have felt and  couldn’t ever take away this pain in my life.