Anguish

I miss you both so badly and dreadfully. If I could turn back time I would because up to now I can't move on  and accept that you are gone. Grandpa, I miss the sound of your voice, sleeping beside you for 16 years, sharing our interest and beliefs. I miss hearing our unique mores code, our cats and dogs but most of all I miss your LOVE badly. No one has ever love me the way both of you did. Most of the time I would try to steer clear of or obliterate you in my mind because every time that I remember you I can't bear the pain I felt inside. Grandma, thank you for the patience, love and understanding.   For always being there for grandpa and I even if we were a burden for you.

This is the first time again that I have seen your pictures for 10 years and it brings back the happiness and pain. I am so fortunate that I grew up with you, you have sacrifice a lot for me and have shown me unconditional love. With you I have always felt that I belong to a family and for such a long time  after you were gone I felt so abandoned and forgotten. But I have never failed to pray for you every day of my life because I wouldn't be able to reach what I have right now if it weren't for your sacrifices and love. No one did understand what I went through, not one had lend a hand for me to hold on to. Most of all, people around me criticized and judge me for things I didn't do.  I kept my pain in silence knowing that would make you proud of me being mature and smarter. I know that ONLY both of you understands me and had love me incomparably. You both know how I did my best to comprehend things that seems too hard to understand, had selflessly gave everything just not to be like those people who have hurt me and most of all keep my silent for peace and unity.  I miss the chair you lay in Lolo,  miss hearing bombo radio whole day, I miss the bed and the room I slept in half of my life.  I should have listen more to your stories and eagerly grasp your elaboration of details about our family tree. People who knew both of you I know wouldn’t fail to remember your kindness and the marks you leave in their lives.  The way you teach me the strategy in playing mahjong, buying our favorite foods and drinks, I just miss being LOVED again the way we were before. Tears keep falling in my eyes as  for the longest time that I kept this pain in my life. How could I move on? I always try or maybe pretended that I have but deep into my inner thoughts and feelings I couldn't. Why did you leave me behind?! Why didn't you gave me a chance to show and repay all your sacrifices?! I miss you undeniably and enormously, no man could ever empathize what anguish I have felt and  couldn’t ever take away this pain in my life.