Now, again I must face another challenge that will test my understanding, patience and courage. Another friend is pregnant with her first child after only months of marriage. Gladness and wishful thoughts for her and her family is what I felt and think. But then again Yes I admit I'am envious again. For the nth time I have to face another heart ache, learn to comprehend my own situatation, widen my patience and strengthen my courage to withstand negative thoughts and questions over my head. Sometimes I wish I won't know if the people I knew are pregnant not because I don't want to share their happiness its just that maybe it would spare me the pain and questions why am I not? I wanted to cry now but I am at work seems like tomorrow before I sleep that's if I could sleep, I know I will cry my heart out. I Will be trying to obliterate questioning HIS will and ways and just focus on praying and hoping . But for now can I just pour my heart out?! Can somebody tell me whatelse should I do?! Feels like I am losing every inch of hope in me. Is the road ahead close for me?!
Monday, November 29, 2010
I was arguing with myself silently if I should post what I feel right now. Guess I have no choice because these is my only place of comfort and peace. I don't want to worry my husband over my new challenge and I don't want to make him feel depress and sad too. Last May or June my good friend Yhaz told me that she was pregnant, I was both happy and sad. See, Yhaz and Cathy are my two good friends who were really my big spiritual and emotional supporter regarding my desire to have my own child. Yhaz was with us when we tried to complete the 9 days Novena for St. Jude Thaddeus though she really didn't expect that she would be bless with a child we are all ecstatic with joy. Then I must admit to myself that somehow I was disappointed and hurt of course my notion is I was the one asking for a miracle but I failed. It didn't make me bitter or mad just as any other people would be I was a bit envious, a pity one. Nonetheless the love and joy the child brings us filled the emptiness inside.