Ma and Tito

My Family

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Nanay, Momsy, Mudra- this is just few of the familiar words on how we call the woman who took the risk of her life to brought us up in this world. A woman who carried us 9 months on her womb, took a great risk of their life to deliver us in this world, wake up in the wee hours of the night to check and make sure we are well. There are a lot of words to define motherhood in every sense and words couldn’t fully unravel how unconditional their love for us. We may be stubborn, hard headed and sometimes we may have miss apprehensions on how they brought us up. Yet, they would never abandon us and will do unsurpassed things for our own sake. Their Love is remarkably unconditional in every sense of the word and in every uncertainties in this world they would be the only one who will always accept us, regardless and despite of. I saw her crying her heart out, on how twice she was left alone by the man she love. At the age of 27 she first became a widow-2 months after she gave birth to their only child and now again same date as her first husband she lost a man that she spent most of her life with, whom she build her family and who became my own father. My heart is broken and confounded seeing her cry, worrying over her being alone when I am far away from her. I don’t want to leave her, I want to always be with her, take care of her, assure her that she is not alone. Surely, people are right when they say you will realized how important a person is when they are gone. The father I knew growing up is gone, a man who would wake up early in the morning to cook us our food, who cooks my favorite Ilonggo dish adobong manok, the one who other people who would always run to when they needed someone who will lend them an open and understanding heart. When I went home, I felt that things are really incomplete and I was waiting for that someone to make our home complete. I walk down to the kitchen, dumbfounded, impaired and devastated realizing that he wasn’t there anymore.

I miss you and I may not have shown you more than what I should on how imperative you have been in my life but I do. You made me feel that I am your own daughter, your flesh and blood. The love and understanding you have shown me, my siblings and Ma is incomparable. My heart bleeds and tears in my eyes flows endlessly. Losing you and seeing Ma with this unbearable pain wants me to stay home and take care of her and my siblings. I worry about her so much, leaving her alone with the responsibility of being the mother and father at the same time . On how I know that she is agitated most of the time. Now, I wake up and sleep thinking how she is and profoundly deem how could I take all the pain she feels. Make her feel calm, assured and that euphoria will overwhelmed her life again. How I yearn to be in two places at the same time. I may not told you how much I Love you but MA I intensely Do and I don’t want to see you like this, being hurt and alone. If I could only take the pain you feel. I want to pledge my undying devotion and love and that I will never leave you. Please be strong for me and my sisters, we will always be here and we will take care of you. Tito, please guide us and help Ma cope up losing you. I may not have say this nor show you how much I care and how important you are but I want to tell you that I Love you like my own father. Thank you for always being there for me, showering me with love and understanding, for loving MA, taking care of us and for the adobo. I Love you Tito, I love you PA and I wish I had called you Pa. I cry my heart out tonight losing you. And I know you see and read this, I hope somehow I made you feel this love I have for you. Now, when I go home I know it is no longer complete and each time I see home I would look for you and I look forward to see the things that will remind me of you. Help us to be strong for the three of us to move on knowing you are always here beside us. Good bye is not forever ‘coz I know you will always be here in our hearts.

Books and Emotions

My mind is set to nowhere, as if I am trying to grasp all the things that had happened. I was hurt so bad that it makes me lose respect in myself and bend down my self esteem. Of all the people why does it has to be you? I feel like I was thrown off over the edge of a cliff, hanging for my life because of the pain you have cause me. I can't help to think less of myself when you chose them over me. When, I have always been so consistent to defy all odds just to be with you. But yes what can I do? I love you more that I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else (the song is right) though I can't help to compare others to us when they are all seems inseparable. Now, I feel less important than them, that I can never be enough for you. I don't want feel this way at all nor even think less of you.

I have forgiven you because despite the fact that this has made me lose my self, in a moment of truth I still know that at the end of the day I will always forgive and Love you more than anything else in this world. Somehow, along the road of our journey we could never avert trials that will test this relationship. Although we surpass another test I am greatly hoping that it would never happen again. We could never deny the fact that in Love we will surely have all the ups and downs. Yet, it is up to the couple to uphold the strength of their love and respect for one another. Now, I realize that the more you are hurt the more you learn how to love. In order order to understand happiness, one must go through uncertainties and pain so that the fruits of their sacrifices has a better reward.

My reward has been a great one. The test has open up my eyes and love for the books again. It has been a while since I have read a really good book. I have long miss Nicholas Spark, James Patterson, Paulo Coehlo, Dan Brown, and those authors I have forgotten in a while. Walking down along the big Trinoma Mall, feeling lose and distorted, my eyes caught a book store, and a sudden urged of I don't know drag me inside. Then, my eyes was lifted from crying into like sparkling diamonds, the books overwhelmed me. Felt like I was in a secret garden, full of beautiful books and wonderful scenery. My spirit was lifted up and I'm so inundate with all the beautiful books and great authors. I wanted them all hahahaha. What I wanted to say is this maybe the best lover's quarrel I have, for this has rekindled my love for books. Books has made my broken heart and teary eyes healed again. Not to mention the dress and shoes hehehe thanks hubby Love You!

Notions

Notions are inevitable but when people learn to yield and value the importance of humility nothing is impossible to comprehend. We cannot deny that once in while we get to be misunderstood or un able to understand one another. Yet, I believe that we will also be the derivation to mend things and apprehend that we bring no harm to anyone. Recently, I have learned that sometimes when things aren’t amicable as they were used to be; time and hope can bring those who have been hurt united again. We ought to learn to respect other peoples silence and a time to grasp things, fill out their emotions, acceptance and understanding. Then, slowly we would be able to compromise, mend broken spaces and heal the pain we all felt. No one should be blame for anything nor anyone is right or wrong. We are merely victims of circumstances or maybe this is just a test of friendship and humility. I am grateful that slowly things are turning out fine, smiles are seen, small convenient conversations are arising, a helping hand is being lend and no more prattling. Whew! Guess the spirit of Christmas is fast approaching hehehe. Kidding aside, I am looking forward again to a passive, amalgamated, jovial time to US again. Peace to everyone.

For Cat, Jaz, Joi

Though we’ve only known each other in a while.
Undoubtedly I look forward each day of our life.
To share our lifetimes voyage and endeavors.
Each step I walk with you is tremendously worthwhile.

The veracity of this relationship is beyond compare.
At times when you were down I was there.
Now that I am lost you are there all along.
To assure that though I am lonely I am never alone.

A friend who empathize my blemish and vigor.
Further than my minds imagination.
A stronghold foundation of my emotions.
Thank you for the love and affection.

A time to say Goodbye and Thank you! Tito Nato!

It’s been awhile since I posted here and most of the time I did is when I’m in my most vulnerable state. I am the kind of person that when I am in my most emotional status the more my mind set to extract its creative juices. Right now I am sad, sick and distorted. My stepfather died last November 1 and ironically it’s the same date my real father died too. My Pa left me when I am only 2months old due to cirrhosis of the liver. I grew up with my grandparents since I think I could remember around 3-5 years old. My mom is just around as well but because I am the first grandchild I was requested by my grandparents to stay with them. I grew up with stories my Ma told me about Pa like when he was sick and was brought to the city hospital he would request a phone to the ICU and call us up way back in our town to just even hear me cry over the phone was enough for him. Most of the town people would always say to me how friendly and kind my Pa is and how I really look like him. There were times when some of my Pa’s friend comes home and they see me for the first time would suddenly cry and call my Pa’s name saying how I really resembles him.

When my Ma remarries I only realized and understood it all when I was already in high school. I think she remarried when I was 7 years old, though I often get to spend time with her I was too young to understand what’s going on and why am I on that situation. Yet, I realized on my own that she has a new family and apart of the new is me. My step father is a simple man since I could recall he was just a silent type and doesn’t interfere with my Ma’s decision maybe because he doesn’t want me to understand it the wrong way. When my grandparents died it was the most throbbing experience I have ever encounter. My grandparents was my life then, they have brought me up to this world the best they can and gave me unconditional love. I don’t want to elaborate more about them because I am trying not to think because I couldn’t help to cry and feel the pain again. As much as possible I don’t want to talk about it not because I want to forget them totally but because I can’t help it but to cry whenever I could reminisce the times I was with them.

Anyways, when my grandparents died when I was 20 years old, I lived with my Ma and my stepfather whom I call Tito. There I felt how welcome I am in that home and how he considered me like her own. She would point out to others whenever they banter that I was his eldest child. In times when Ma is out of line when they argue I would defend him and he would sometimes tell me that Ma is arguing with him with nonsense and I would be there between them to explain My tito’s side. Now, he is gone and what I would really miss about him is the way he cook adobong manok, when we have small yet meaningful conversations and in the simplest things he does that makes me feel loved. He was so patient, understanding and humble especially when Ma got nothing to do but be a nagger. Yes, I do really believe that we usually realized the value of one person when they are already gone and how I wish that I could have been more open and vocal about how grateful I am for his love, patients and understanding to us especially Ma. It’s time to say goodbye Tito, thank you for the acceptance, love and care you have given me. I would really miss you. Please guide us.

Hmm. my conscience- Catherine!!!!

I saw here coming down the stairs while I on the other hand is eating burger and fries. She apprehended me how stubborn I am to eat fast foods when she already have reminded me to eat healthy foods to aid my fertilization. I am trying to eat healthy, think wisely, positively and desist away from stressful, negative thoughts. Hmmm.. It is easy said than done. I am thankful for her thoughtfulness and very caring actions towards my journey on longing to have a child of my own. She is doing her best to keep me more optimistic each day that soon I will have my own child. But its hard, it's getting harder each day. How could I live my life without a child? I couldn't! I am 27 they say I'm still young and there are a lot of time for us to try until it'll be given. Yet, you can't deny the fact that the more it hasn't been done, the longer the pain lingers. She is my conscience and I am thankful for her, for always being a good listener, a robust-optimistic thinker and indulgent friend.

My heart bleeds, it longs and ache for an angel to complete our life. I feel incomplete, erratic and feckless. Last night as I was surfing the net I came across a panel for woman who have underwent HSG a procedure to check if you have a blockage in your fallopian tube. A lot of them is trying and longing to have a child, some have went to a lot of procedure just to have one but with no success. As I go on reading I learned that if one has a blocked fallopian tube(a lot of medical terms and conditions may vary) most of them needed procedure to correct it, sadly some aren't that successful. This made me scared, depress, lonely and slowly losing hope. My husband kept me of the cliff of depression, giving me positive outlook in life. Still, my heart bleeds and cry for a child.

Missing my Barkada!

Today, I met with my good old friend Ambo, he was one of the best people I have met in my high school life. It has been 10 years after our high school graduation and it seems like it was just yesterday. We talk about their simple get together at oyo’s house at tranghawan for it was their Brgy. Fiesta. Some of our barkada was there and how I really wish I was there with them. I can’t help but think about the times we have enjoyed spending noteworthy time with each other. All the happiest times I have is in my high school life, I was so fortunate to met them and shared precious memories that I will truly treasure in my life. The times that we would be so noisy and do absurd things that makes our teachers walk out of the room made me smile just to think of it. Going to the bakery shop to buy breads and ice candy for the snack was a simple, inexpensive treat; yet the time spending walking along the corridors, talking about silly yet peculiar, hilarious and stern stories made the moment worthwhile. Having to spend time till college was very tremendous experience for me, I was then thinking that going to school at the city well lessen the time and bond that we have. Contrary to that we became much closer and the friendship has become deeper. College life thought us a lot of things in our younger life, those were the times that we face and fought some circumstances in our own lives and came a time to test the vitality of our friendship. Some have deeply hurt us yet amazingly we surpass it all and have realized how we really value the friendship we have. What I am most amazed of is now that even when time and distance have separates us the bond is still strong and unbreakable. At times that we see each other or even talk over the phone I could still feel that things haven’t changed despite the facts that we rarely talk or see each other.

Today, I’ am dumbfounded by how time flew so fast and how I am so poignant of the fact that we merely have time to see nor talk with each other. I know I should never dwell on the past but adhere to the present and look forward to the future. But I am so exultant just to think of those times I have spent with the people who have made a great difference in my life and somehow became a big part of who I am today and will accept me for what will I become tomorrow. To you great friends I promise the that beyond time and distance even the heist of circumstances I will always remember and will never forget you beyond my life time.

Yesterday, we laugh, we smile and we clap.

Spending time with you is one hell of a good crap.

The bread, the cake and the good times we make.

I can face anything just for our friendships sake.

Today, we work, were tired and we complain.

Of how spending all our time with work and no more fun games.

The money, the career and the complains we make.

Dear friends make me sane again.

How time flew so fast that we hardly have time to relax.

If I could have one day to spend with you this will make me laugh.

Tomorrow, is another day to thank those people who stayed.

Stayed beyond time and distance and whatever it takes.

To the friends who made my life eloquent and exultant in many ways.

I can’t wait to see and spend prolific, jovial time with you again.

What is the one emotion that has everyone mystified?

What is the one emotion that has everyone mystified? LOVE!Love is the greatest gift we can ever hope to give or receive. Love is the one thing that can overcome so many of the difficult times that we are faced with in life. Love is so powerful - it can turn frowns into smiles. It can help mend the most broken heart. It can even turn all of the ugliness in the world into the most beautiful portrait we could ever have the pleasure to behold. I have learned that LOVE is when you give your ALL amidst everything that life may bring, accepting all his flaws despite the pain and dancing like lunatics in the rain.

When you love somebody deeply, they become your life. You cant prevent your heart falling in love despite all the flaws he can have. Love, can bring uncertainties yet willing to take a risk. It is when you have nothing left yet you feel full and abundant. But love is inseparable with pain. Pain is a test of loves journey. It is a time where arguments and misapprehensions occur, were rainbows disappears in the sky, when you say something that it becomes confounding and when two worlds collide. Some people surpass this test of love yet some relationship collapsed. We all faces different struggles in love and I believe that no one else can make or break to people but themselves as well. Learn to love without asking what you will give and what to received but love because it can never be catechized.

Optimist and Pessimist

Some say in life there are two kinds of people existing, one a pessimist and the other is the optimist. One can never say that they are purely an optimist, that would be pure hypocrisy. Why do I say so?because most of the time we tend to see all the negative in this world.When people are hurt and in pain what we acknowledge are the difficulties we faces in every downfall we made. Instead of thinking the opportunity of understanding and learning the purpose of each journey we face, we submerge on self pettiness and pain. We are only human, we feel pain and frustrations though as much as we wanted to stay on the top and be strong, we sometimes fall. Falling doesn't mean the end of the road, I believed this would be a time to mourn, grieve, let go, acknowledge the emotions you feel and a time to meditate, think, rest and regain strength to stand again. Then its time to take a step, to embossed, to move forward, and faced this difficulty as an opportunity to imbibe lessons that are valuable. So, I believe one can never be an optimist without going through being a pessimist.

Silence

Silence is the night when no one seems to bother you.
If you look up in the sky, the moon shines through.
Your thoughts flows in the river of gold.
Lurking in your mind what the hell should I do?

Confusion slowly arises.
Questions are flowing.
Numbness are felt.
Am I alone or lonely?
Should I fret in defeat?

The air brushes my hair and coldness made me shiver.
Then a hand gives me comfort in my cold shoulders.
I turn my back and see.
Your warmth eyes that can see through me.

Confusions slowly fades.
Questions found answers.
I am no longer alone.
And I could never be defeated.

Now the silence of the night sings to me.
As you hold my hands..my thoughts run free.
Free to love and to hear that in silence we will see
that love can be understood even without a voice
it will sing amazingly.

Maybe

Maybe this pain will subside.

Frustrations and impatience collides.

My world no longer have a light.

Darkness seems to huddle in my sight.

Maybe the word would understand.

The pressure they bring makes me sad.

I am not that strong nor lame.

What I just want is my own space.

Maybe if you could put your self on my shoes.

I'm quite sure it will reveal.

That what you did is mean and cruel.

Maybe if you could just mind.

Mind your own business for while!

Rather than mess my own life.

Damn get a piece of your own F**** line!

Maybe then I could be free.

From the eyes of the monster who looks into me.

Then maybe,just maybe I could lure.

Lure into my own comfort world.

Maybe then in my world no one will say.

"Why haven't you got one?"

Instead they will utter; "it will come on your way".

Maybe tomorrow will bring me a smile and heal my aching heart

Happy Birthday Mama Mary!

Dear Queen Mother of Heaven and Earth, we thank you for all the understanding and kindness you have undeniably given us. Despite all the pains and sadness we may have caused your good heart, you never still depart from us. When we are down and in trial you have given us courage and strength to stand up and face it all. You have never abandoned us in all the endeavors that we face in this life and though sometimes we may have forgotten you; YOU have never forgotten US.

Mother, you love us all equally and unconditionally though we may have hurt you and your son. We have questioned YOU and your Beloved Son on the circumstances that we have faced and didn't understood, yet you have always been there to defend us. I could never forget a story about your teachings on praying the rosary; that each beads we prayed for, is equivalent to saving another soul. Oh Dear Mother I may have not really understood everything you have teach but I believe that in each prayer you humbly ask your beloved son to forgive a soul and help them enter the heavenly kingdom. You have taught us to pray with all our hearts and even if your in heaven you find ways to reach out to us, never leaving our side. Nothing is impossible with You and your beloved son; in every heartfelt prayer is a grace of answer.

With all the riches and happiness this world could gave us, it will never be greater than the LOVE you have amazingly showered us. On your Birthday Dear Mother I humbly ask for your forgiveness in all the tears that I have caused your eyes and the pain I have left in your heart. Heavenly Mother, each day I will try to be a good daughter to you; to follow your teachings and prayers, to help people forget hatred and learn to love, and to spread the good words in this world. Happy Birthday MAMA MARY. Please enlighten and Guide us all always.

In Jesus Name.

Amen..

To My Dearest Mikay!

For a friend who celebrates her glorious day a Happy Birthday to you It seems like it was just all like yesterday; when we were naive and innocence embodied us. I can still smel thel lomi at the irish and all were sharing our centavos left in our pocket. People are hearing all the loud and cheerful laughter's coming from the second floor of that mini grocery/resto. After the 5 pm mind bugging mathematics class of Ma'am Lavilla we can't hardly wait to go home. I miss walking from school to our houses enjoying more time to talk and laugh on the way home. Fiestas came and seems like we were all present even in the brgy. fiesta's hahaha. Majong and rading oyo and edi's house are one hobbies that can never taken from us it's like it sticks to our souls hahaha. Dancing oh I love dancing of course I know that you are one heck a damn gracious and glamorous dancer but pupay, me, vip, and even edi made us champions on our senior year right? hehe. Edi?!!!of course why not..hehe

The famous Guimaras was a witness to our biggest and happiest bonding's especially when all were drunk. Those were the times when you stumble and fell on the stairs of the rest house but you pick up yourself still with a groaning with ouch but with a smile hahaha. One event of the town fiesta was the same day of your birthday and you have a dance number to perform and all of us were shouting with awe and amazement supporting the best dancer for us. And I could still remember as well when UHMMM courted you and you went to the church to attend the simbang gabi or I think the afternoon mass?hahaha and don't deny it you had a crush on him. Uhmm not to mention the "tokayo" of that guy was also I think courting you hahaha and was also my cousin hahaha. Those were the days that palph, narlito, iko and panoy has a big crush on you hahaha (haba ng hair mo).

Lola pat's boarding house was lucky???hahaha to have such very obedient and nice boarders like us wahhh asus daw piho and those times when you had decided to have a drink alone at the roof top hahaha. When you keep on going back in forth to joanne and mines room waking us up with a loud bang and pulling our mosquito net till it break and enjoy waking us up even if we still wanted to sleep(pakialamera hehe). Haaaayyyy this are only the few of the millions of things that I could share having you in my life but time and space here are not enough to do so. This are the most happiest day of our life too. SO, in this special day of yours, despite time and distance I want you to know that you are always being remember and I am grateful that I have given a great gift of time to share those good and loving memories we have. I wish you all the best in all the endeavors you take and I know that you will never forget us; as we could never forget OUR MIKAY! happy birthday Girl..I miss and love you with all my heart. God Bless.